An Expanded Heart

| Life with TL, New Beginnings

As stated in a recent post, TL has encouraged me to “enjoy the ride” on the journey of a new budding relationship with a man whom I will refer to as Elis.

One of my fears concerning this new relationship was regarding my feelings for TL. In my grief, I’ve held onto TL so tightly that I’ve been afraid of coming to a place where either I have to let go or I one day discover that he’s slowly faded away from my life and is no longer present. TL was my solid rock that I leaned on for one of the most, if not the most, difficult years of my life thus far.

A few weeks ago, I was listening to a podcast on YouTube by Anne Tucker. In that video, she spoke about some of her fears while pregnant with her second child – fears of what would happen to her feelings and behaivors towards her first child. Would she stop loving the child? Would she be so consumed by the new child that she would forget about the first child? No. Her heart and capacity to love expanded to embrace a 2nd child into her life while continuing to love and care for her first child. I never had children and am thankful to Anne for sharing this experience in her life. This message came exactly when I needed it and gave me hope that things would be okay.

As Elis and I continue to spend time together, I’m still regularly talking to TL and telling him how much I miss him and love him. I still lean on him and ask for his guidance and opinions. To my surprise, my love for and relationship with TL and his presence with me from beyond the veil is just as strong. Sure, I am beginning to focus on other things more and things are changing. But, you know what? He’s still with me and he hasn’t faded into the background!

Anne was right – hearts expand to incorporate the new.

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A Day to Be Remembered

| Life with TL

Today is a day of emotional variety. I’m now seeing someone and am nervously excited (i.e. terrified) to be embarking on this new relationship. We’ve agreed to enjoy the ride as we get to know each other and find ourselves bringing much joy and adventure into each other’s lives.

Yet, today is also a day in which my heart aches. It is the first anniversary of the last time I saw TL — the day I was scared to leave his side for fear I’d never see him again; the day no one else shared my gut feeling that he wasn’t going to stay on this earth with us – a feeling I didn’t fully understand at the time; the night I received the dreaded and unexpected phone call from the charge nurse I’d befriended informing me that he’d gone into cardiac arrest and wasn’t expected to survive the night; the night a good friend accepted my phone call sometime around midnight and stayed on the phone with me until we were able to laugh at a shared memory of TL offering to share his asparagus at dinner; the night TL shared his passing with me – a moment in which I experienced the heaviness and weight of his emotional and physical battles suddenly disappear and be replaced by an indescribable peace; the night I couldn’t sleep as I waited for the confirmation phone call that eventually came from his daughter the next morning.

He and I taught each other so much during our short time together. I continue to talk to him daily – I regularly feel his presence and know that he is always with me. He continues to support me, give me strength, and be my cheerleader from beyond the veil. It is due to his continued support and quiet whisperings in my heart that I have found the fortitude to do as much as I have this last year. He was the one who gave me the strength and courage to say enough was enough and leave an unhealthy marriage. He’s the one who taught me what it was like to be respected and loved for just being me while I taught him the same. And now, he is the one encouraging me to “enjoy the ride” with this new person in my life.

Never would I have imagined such things were possible.

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